


Whispers

by HollyTheFluffyCat



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Leo Valdez Needs a Hug, M/M, Nico di Angelo Needs a Hug, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Touch-Starved, but hard to find under all the angst, sad boy hours
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 13:16:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19888441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyTheFluffyCat/pseuds/HollyTheFluffyCat
Summary: Leo is sick of the whispers, sick of the pain, sick of the sorrow. And he's sick of living. So he decides to do what he does best.Prentend.He doesn't need anybody showering him with pity.He deserves this pain.He deserves suffering.Save the sympathy for the truly broken, like Nico DiAngelo. Because he has bigger problems, doesn't he?Nico is nothing like Leo.Nico hates him, and Leo knows that.Nico deserves so much more than Leo does.......But Nico starts to think otherwise.





	1. overheard

Leo walked to his cabin, his head bowed and a small frown on his face. Everything had gone wrong. He was supposed to be happy. He was supposed to be satisfied.

But he wasn't.

One reason why was simply because of her. She broke his heart into a million pieces, shattered his dreams, when she rejected him like trash. The exact words came back to him as he winced at the sharp words piercing his already broken heart.

"Leo, did you think I ever actually loved you? It was a part of the curse. No offense, but pretty much nobody could ever fall in love with such a joke like you, understand? You're not my taste, Leo. Let's hope we never see each other again, because gods know that that would save us from the awkwardness. Goodbye."

Such a great present for risking his life to try to save her...

But he didn't tell anybody about it. Nobody would understand.

Another reason was the wonderful reaction when being found alive. Treated like a hero.

For a couple of days. 

Then it went back to normal, but everyone treated him even worse than before. They said that his hyperactivity was "annoying" and he was just a "pest." His closest friends started to wander off, straying away from him. Every time he woke, emptiness filled him.

And he forced on his happy mask.

Sure, his friends were still nice to him most of the time.

But they sometimes acted like he wasn't there.

And to be honest..

..he wasn't.

He was just a empty ghost of his former self. A shell. Nothing else. Waking up every morning felt like the start of an endless loop of the same act. Smile, laugh, joke around, don't cry when everybody glared at you, and cry yourself to sleep. Then repeat.

He wasn't depressed though.

No, depressed people have actual problems. They stay sad and empty for such a long time, almost endless suffering.

Leo actually could be happy and mad, and feel every other emotion. But it all changed so....quickly. Mood swings. That was the best way to describe it. The smallest thing could bring him to tears.

And depressed people actually cut. They actually commit sucide.

Leo didn't.

He was borderline sucidal, wanting to die but never having enough courage to take the step off the cliff, swallow the pills, pull the trigger, kick away the chair and jump. Never.

He had cut once, but the stinging didn't feel as pleasant or as euphoric as some described it to feel. It was empty. So later he found another way of self harming. Carving. He would take the plastic wrapped around the tip of shoelaces, and slash his arm with it.

Now, THAT pain was euphoric.

It felt brilliant. But it also felt stupid, that he was too much of a coward to actually draw blood.

He did, to make up for that, carve repeatedly. Endless x's on his skin, words, countless words screaming insults at him to remind him just how worthless he was. The best part about his way of carving was that it wasn't as visible as self harms scars. Sure, it left scabs sometimes and a faint marking, but that was it.

Nobody would know.

And if they did, they wouldn't care.

An example of somebody with REAL problems was Nico. Nico DiAngelo. That boy was shattered. Leo had seen a razor blade in his temporary room on the Argo II once. He had lost not only a mother, but also a sister. He had spent decades in a demonic hotel built for people in it to want to stay forever. He had gone to, literally, Tarturaus and back. His supposed "awesome boyfriend Will" had dumped him, claiming it just couldn't work recently. He had become more subdued and agressive.

And, the icing on the shitty cake that was his life, Nico was gay.

Not some stupid "special snowflake" and "bisexual copy" sexuality that Leo was. Not pansexual.

Nico often got offered again and again, sympathy and support. Everybody rushed to comfort the boy when he got dumped, when he showed the slightest sign of breaking down. He looked broken, so people flocked to his aid.

And what did Leo get?

An endless swarm of hatred, frustration, whispers in his head, and carvings on his arms to remind himself just how useless he was. Nobody cared.

He didn't look broken.

So people never thought to look deeper then his masked surface.

Oh, how the fates loved Leo.

He suddenly heard gentle voices. He ducked behind a tree.

"-ok? All of you, Leo is a lot more subdued than usual. I'm starting to get concerned. He-"

That was Piper. Oh Hades, she noticed that he was subdued. He needed to act more happy now.

"He what? Look, if your worried about his happiness, you shouldn't be. He's clearly got an endless supply of happiness. If he needed help, he would obviously trust us enough to tell us."

Superman. How ironic of him.

"I agree with Piper, Jason. We should try to talk to him if he seems more subdued."

Hazel. Oh gods no, he didn't want them trying to talk with him.

"Well, fine. But I don't expect him to have that huge of a problem. His attitude would have entirely changed if it had been a bigger problem."

Annabeth. She was right, his problem wasn't that big. Wasn't even a problem. He was just finally realizing how worthless he was.

At this point, Leo could safely assume the 7 was there, maybe even Nic-

"If you guys actually are gonna confront his ass, I don't want any part in it."

...

N-Nico.

Leo felt numb. Nico, the most apathetic kid in the world, who gave no fucks about anything, thought he was a burden??

He couldn't move.

"Nico!" Hazel.

"I don't care at all for that boy, ok?" Nico.

Leo finally found the strength to run. So he did.

"What was that?" was the last thing he heard from them.

And he was gone.


	2. liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which nico regrets shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendly reminder this book has self harm and shit in it, if you are triggered by it, please, please don't read this. it goes into detail in certain chapters about it.

Nico knew as soon as he heard those footsteps running away that he fucked up.

It was Leo.

Oh gods, why?

He winced a bit. Nico had realized way too late that what he said was too harsh. And it wasn't even true. He didn't like Leo, mind you, but he didn't hate him at all. He...

He was just trying to prove that he wasn't all sentimental about Will. That he wasn't more quiet, more hurt.

And now he had ruined Leo's day.

"What was that?" Percy said, as he scrunched his eyebrows. It gave him an aura of genuinely pure confusion. Nico's heart fluttered a tiny bit before he pinched himself for doing that. He was over him.

"That was Leo, Percy." Piper explained in a pissed tone, and she glared at Nico. Nico felt like she had punched him in the gut. He felt unbelievably guilty. And he knew, just by looking in Leo's eyes, that the boy was hiding his pain.

And then Nico of course had to come along and hurt him.

Just like always.

And suddenly the words slipped out of his mouth. "Hey, sorry. Not my fault that the elf can't take the truth."

Everybody stared at him, shocked. Piper had a look of pure rage, and she nearly screamed at him "Oh, _oh!_ So you seriously think its ok to just blindly insult a boy who has done nothing wrong to you, and as far as we know, could be faking his very smile?! Is that how it is!" 

Nico flinched, and he could feel his legs start to tremble. He probably looked pathetic right now. Well, serves him right for seriously thinking that saying that was a good idea.

_You owe me one slash, Nico_ his mind whispered, hissing.

_Yeah, yeah. I know._

Gods know that today he'll actually find relief in slashing that blade across his chest and punishing himself for saying such a stupid thing. On other days he'd just ignore the voice.

Nico could faintly feel Piper shoving him, but it was all a haze. Words and actions blurred together like he was looking at it all through a foggy lens. He think Piper had stormed away, Hazel running after her with Jason. Frank also maybe trailed along, and Percy and Annabeth looked at each other and just left.

And as Nico started to walk toward his cabin, scratching at his arm in anticipation (he had been clean for a while, but Will and Leo had finally convinced him to break his record),......

..he stopped.

Leo.

Where did he go? I mean, sure, he ran off, but where to?

And suddenly, without even realizing it, he shadow-traveled. Darkness cloaked over him, like somebody had just thrown a black blanket over him, and he felt an unbelievable cold. He shivered, and as light finally suddenly slipped back into his vision, he collapsed.

He felt grass. So he was not in a city street or something. Nico looked up. Trees. So a forest. And judging by how short it took compared to some other shadow-travels, he was probably in the camp's forest.

And then he heard him.

"Oh, Leo, Leo, Leo, **Leo!** " he screamed. Nico scrambled behind a tree, and looked at where the noise was coming from.

Leo, slamming his fists against his head. Nico swallowed back a pained gasp.

"Wow, nice job! You know, it took you long enough to realize just how pathetic you were!" he said wryly. He couldn't move. Nico always thought that it was so cliche when characters said that in books, but he realized that they were right.

He literally was paralyzed. Frozen.

"And you know, Nico proved it, really! The fact you're a burden, even to him!" he snarled. Pure guilt.

He couldn't take it anymore. He shadow-traveled away, again.

Like a coward.

He collapsed, a mess, onto his bed. Drained. Void.

_ Two slashes. _

_Yeah, I deserve them._

....

_I deserve them._


	3. bitter carvings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> leo really can't catch a break, can he?

After some excruciating screaming at hiself, Leo's throat naturally was pretty hoarse. After that, Leo just gave up on talking, and closed his eyes as he sobbed.

It hurt. Everything hurt. Damn it, damn it, DAMMIT!

Leo was a mess.

He stumbled fowards, before realizing that his legs were shaking from everything, ready to crumble at a moments notice.

And so he sat down, alone in the forest, burying his head in his knees.

**Worthless**

**Stupid**

**Idiot**

**Petty**

**Disgusting**

**Worthless**

**Hideous**

**Evil**

**Vile**

**Mistake**

**Hopeless**

**Seventh wheel**

**Liability**

**Nobody will ever love you**

**JUST END IT ALREADY**

The whispers could be heard in his head, echoing.

He tried to drown them out, but nothing happened.

The sharp tongued words pierced into him, and he let out a whimper of pain.

They never left him.

And the words didn't cease.

Alas, they've been there forever.

And forever they would stay.

"..oh god, why?.." Leo whispered. It was like screaming in his head, never ending static. Nails on a chalkboard, a broken song sung by his self-hatred.

And Leo really, really, REALLY needed for the voices to just shut up. Temporarily, of course. Nothing could truly help him from the deep abyss he dug himself.

There was only one way. One way, he told himself. If he said it enough times, he started to believe it.

So he took a breath, and pulled the "carver" out.

Glancing over his shoulder, he quickly shot down the possibility of anybody witnessing it. Except the gods of course, they must love the whole ordeal. They must be laughing at his misfortune, finding it so godsdamn amusing.

Ha ha. What a joke. Look at the freak, what a pathetic, worthless, _idiot._

How funny.

And suddenly it just stabbed him, everything and anything and nothing and it just was static, there but not there, it was a mess, mess, mess, Leo was a mess. Everything rushed to his head, grating through his head, what, who, why, all logic out the window. It shouldn't be this way, it should-

No.

No, no. He deserved this. He deserved all the pain in the world.

And after rolling up his sleeve, he slashed his left arm. X's. X marks the spot, only instead of treasure it marks Leo's regrets and his self-hatred. Ha. It wasn't until his entire left arm was covered in X's and his arm was burning in sharp, stinging pain, and blood pricked the places where he had carved x's that he finally dropped the "carver" and let out a strangled sob.

He started to feel warm tears streak down his face, a cascade of regret and unspoken words pouring down his face. Leo hated it. He hated crying. He hated this. He hated himself for being so pathetically weak.

**Big kids don't cry now, do they?**

His head just couldn't shut up.

It wouldn't shut up.

"shut..shut up..." Leo whimpered out through a broken voice. His fingers dug into the coarse dirt beneath him.

The tears stopped. The voice did not.

**You should start using, oh, I don't FUCKING know, an actual razor? Pathetic freak.**

**Just finish it already. I'm sure nobody would mind.**

**Nobody cares. You got your proof, are you happy? Tell me.**

**Are you fucking happy you did THIS?!**

**Can you just FUCKING DIE ALREADY?!?**

**YOU WILL ALWAYS BE HATED, YOU BLIND IDIOT! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE SOMETHING BETTER THAN A WORTHLESS, DISGUSTING BITCH THAT RUINS AND HURTS EVERYBODY!**

His entire body shivered as dry sobs escaped from his mouth, wracking his small frame as he sat alone. He did this to himself. This all was his fault.

Just like always.

After he had finally let out the last of the tears from his pitiful body, he gritted his teeth and took shuddering breaths in. The abrupt breaths didn't help much, but it was a start.

And just like that, after Leo wiped the tears away from his face, the episode was over.

It was over. I mean, he still felt horrible and he still wanted to die, but the feeling has dulled over, leaving nothing but his exhausted body and his broken heart.

He stood up, rubbed his eyes one more time, and took a unsteady step forward. It was fine. He was fine. He just needed...needed to relax

And with an arm burning with pain and red eyes, he stumbled his way back to his cabin.


	4. apologies and fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which nico tries to make amends

"Leo." Nico called out as he walked towards the curly haired boy. Immediately Leo froze and turned around, expression hardening as he saw him. He looked angry, which was reasonable considering what he had said about him.

Nico rubbed at the back of his neck. He wasn't good with apologizes, and while he was lucky he had found Leo alone in arena, practicing his fire or something, it wasn't convenient that he had found him a day after it and Leo looked about ready to set Nico on fire.

"I'm..uh..sorry about what I said yesterday, Leo." Nico stuttered out, and Leo's hand caught on fire as he threw a fire ball at the wall just behind him, hitting it as it scorched the surface. Flinching from his sudden outburst, Nico glanced back at the arena's wall, noticing that the fireball was only inches away from him.

Leo eyes were narrowed, and Nico noted that he was sweating either from training or the fact he was wearing long sleeves on a decently warm day. Wait....why did Leo have long sleeves on? A sinking feeling filled him as he recalled that the only time he used to wear long sleeves was after..well, punishing himself for being stupid. Nico was in a bit of a better mental state now, but every now and then he broke, like yesterday.

"Don't mention that." he growled out, and Nico stepped forward cautiously, not wanting to get burnt to a crisp but was curious or stupid enough to ask something that would probably end badly.

"Leo, please don't throw another fireball at me, but..why are you wearing long sleeves?" Nico asked, and immediately readied his body to dodge if Leo were to throw another fireball at him.

Leo froze. All the anger in his expression seeped out and was replaced by pure shock. For a few seconds he stood still, hands clenched so tightly his nails were digging into his palms, and then all Hades broke loose.

Hands again on fire, he swiftly threw more fireballs at Nico, each one making a sharp hissing noise as it hit the wall, and each one leaving a dark scorch mark. Quite literally, he could feel the heat radiating off of the balls, and yet not one hit him as he kept dodging. He couldn't tell if Leo was missing him on purpose, but either way he kept dodging.

With a sudden realization that he couldn't keep dodging for much longer, Nico quickly levitated as many rocks as he could around his general area, which was luckily a lot, since there was a lot of pebbles on the floor. Before Leo could burn him, he made a makeshift shield against the fire. "Leo, stop it! You can't just throw fire at me whenever you get mad!" Nico yelled, and as a last minute resort, moved the rocks to wrap around Leo's body and arms, trapping him and stopping him from throwing more of those gods awful fire balls.

Leo looked at the floor, expression clouded with what was either anger or embarrassment. "Well, we are in the arena. And I was training my fire." was all that Leo replied, and Nico resisted the urge to facepalm, instead letting out a groan. 

"I know. But you still can't try to kill me. Now answer the question, you stubborn idiot." Nico replied. Leo looked into Nico's eyes, his caramel eyes gleaming with anger, and in a sharp voice he spat out "And why should you care?"

"Leo. I know there's only one reason you could be wearing long sleeves. I promise, I won't tell anyone, but gods above, just tell me. Do you self harm, Leo?" Nico snapped, and Leo stayed silent for a solid ten seconds before he hissed.

"What I do isn't self harm, its me being a coward, Nico."

Leo's entire demeanor had changed. Instead of his angry expression he had moments ago, his eyes were ringed with tears, and he bit his lip as if he was about to cry.

"You aren't a coward. And if its causing damage to yourself, its self harm, Leo, and you shouldn't do it." Nico said, trying not to be as harsh as he noticed that Leo was starting to break. Leo laughed bitterly, his demeanor flipping again. "Last time I checked, you cut yourself with a razor, Nico di Angelo. You have no right to tell me its wrong to self harm.

Fuck. Well, he was right, but fuck.

"How do you know?" Nico whispered as his voice faltered. His control over the rocks vanished, and the pebbles fell to the floor as Leo rubbed his left arm, before meeting Nico's eyes. Something in Leo's expression seemed borderline mad, but not just angry mad, crazy mad. He had a smirk on his face and his eyes were narrowed, gleaming with anger.

"Found a razor blade in your room in the Argo. Plus you always used to have long sleeves, but now you don't so I assume you cut somewhere else. You still have scars on your wrists, I saw them once, but now you wear a watch to cover them, plus maybe foundation." Leo remarked in a fake nonchalant voice, but his eyes were shooting daggers at Nico.

Nico sighed quietly. "Ok, fine. I cut. But I know now that it isn't a healthy way of letting my feelings out. Whatever type of self harm you do, it isn't healthy, both physically and mentally. You..shouldn't do that." Nico said in a soft voice, and the last of Leo's defenses fell as he crumbled to the floor, broken.

"L...Leo?" Nico blurted out, and he watched as Leo let out a soft whimper on the floor, shoulders shaking. "Leo..." His voice softened, and he sat down, hesitant to do anything, before awkwardly wrapping his arms around Leo.

Leo tensed, but then grabbed onto Nico and held him closer, his grip firm even though he was trembling from the tears trickling down his cheeks. Nico rubbed Leo's back with one of his hand and tried to be reassuring, though he was a son of Hades and being nice or reassuring wasn't exactly in his agenda.

"I'm here for you."

After about 10 seconds of silence, Leo finally whimpered "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Nico hushed him and replied "Don't be sorry. You don't need to be sorry about anything."

Despite his horrible condition, Leo met Nico's eyes and weakly smiled. "Not even for throwing fireballs at you? Thanks, Death Boy." he quipped, his voice only slightly shaking.

Nico's lips curled up the ends just the tiniest bit, and he rolled his eyes. "Maybe for that." Leo laughed, and wiped his eyes, before letting Nico go and standing up. Nico joined him quickly, and they both stared at each other.

"Umm...well, obviously you know now about the self harm, so...." Leo's voice trailed off as he glanced to the charred walls. Nico cleared his throat, only adding to the awkwardness, and finally replied.

"..If it wouldn't be too rude of me Leo, can you...uh..show me?" Nico felt extremely awkward asking such a forward question, and it took Leo by surprise as well. "....Well, that's one I've never gotten before. I guess so." Leo said finally.

Hesitantly, Leo rolled up his left sleeve, revealing what looked like countless X's on his skin, some of them scabs, and other's extremely faint scars that were only a shade darker than Leo's skin. The scars were a lot lighter than Nico's, that was for certain. They looked fresh, and Nico realized painfully that he had probably done it yesterday because of what he said.

Leo looked a bit distressed and uncomfortable as Nico looked from his arm back to Leo. Quickly rolling his sleeves back down, he forced a faint smile. Nico didn't smile back, of course, and instead tugged at his shirt collar.

"Did you...do it yesterday?" Nico asked, again feeling the awkwardness and embarrassment.

"Carving." was all that Leo replied.

"..What?"

"I call it carving, if you were wondering. And yes." Leo admitted in a quieter and more somber voice than his usual playful jeers.

"Ok. Leo, just know I'm here for you, okay? Whenever you need somebody to talk to, you can talk to me" Nico promised, and Leo looked at Nico gratefully.

"Thank you, Neeks."

"My name's Nico."

"You're Neeks now."


	5. growing closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe leo could learn to like nico

Leo felt...tired.

God, he didn't know. Seemed like just a constant in his sad excuse of a life. He let out a hesitant sigh as he sat down around the campfire, his thumb rubbing up against his worn out watch. He had worn his watch specifically because the scars on his left arm were still visible, and the watch provided at least some coverage. Hurt like hell though; the texture of worn, tight leather rubbing against still fresh scars was unpleasant, to say the least.

He knew why those scars were there. He knew that he deserved those scars. The memory of feeling like a burden to even Nico di Angelo, the most apathetic kid on earth, stung even more than anything, to be honest.

And the thought of Nico's apology yesterday, those searching, almost pure black eyes staring at him with pity laced into them, furrowed brows questioning him silently, put an almost bitter taste in his mouth. He grit his teeth in a silent display of loathing, for himself, for Nico, for everything. Why did he even bother? He should just-

"Hey Leo."

Leo's body grew rigid.

"...Hey Nico. What's up?" Leo forced out, forcing on a smile to match his playful tone. He was used to pretending. It was a knee-jerk reaction, honestly. Needless to say, Nico did not at all pay any mention to his false chipper-ness, and instead decided it was fine to just roll his dark eyes at him, scoffing under his breath. After he sat down on the seat right next to him, his eyes flickered to Leo, expression dark and intense.

Lowering his voice, Nico plainly said, "I think we both know what's up, Valdez.", raising his eyebrows like he was challenging him to disagree. Leo felt his throat dry up, and he fidgeted a bit in his seat, feeling unease nip at him. Of course, Leo, having no sense of self-preservation, replied, "Don't think I do. Sorry Neeks.", in the same playful, light tone, except it felt one note off.

Nico narrowed his eyes. "Cut the shit, please. Did you... _do_ anything since yesterday?" Nico's guarded expression didn't hide his furrowed eyebrows, nor the concern and pity laced into his eyes. Leo felt his stomach twist at the sight of it. He wasn't some broken doll or something. He didn't need pity.

He knew Nico wouldn't be satisfied without an answer. Knew it in his gut. Nico wasn't the type. So against all his instincts, instincts of hiding everything with a smile, instincts of cracking jokes, instincts of hiding, he just bit his lip and shook his head in a firm no. The relief exuding from Nico, down to his tense posture relaxing into a slight slouch, was almost palpable, and again Leo felt the bitter feeling of hatred to the pity he was getting.

And the words slipped out of his mouth before he could control it. "I'm in no need of your pity, _di Angelo_." The words came out sharp, dripping with toxin, but to his shock (and maybe dismay), Nico simply sighed quietly in response. "Pity and sympathy are two different things, Leo."

When Leo said nothing in response, just stared at the dirt on the floor below him, even kicking it a couple times, Nico suddenly grabbed his hand, turning to face him. Leo tensed at the feeling of Nico's hand, and jerked his hand back out of instinct. It felt...wrong being touched by anyone. Nico hugged him yesterday but that was when Leo could barely comprehend anything except his aching chest. "What the hell?" Leo spat out, but quietly, to avoid any attention from anyone else at the campfire. Nico just ignored him. "Valdez. Come with me, I want to show you something."

Leo blinked. "What? What if I don't... _want to_??" Nico gave an almost-smirk, and just said in response, "You don't have a choice.", before carefully grabbing him by his right hand, tugging him gently. Leo knew he chose his right hand because of the whole... _thing_ he did to his left. So after he again jerked his arm away from Nico's, cradling it with his other arm, Nico just huffed and stood up, leaving without a word.

Leo sat there for a couple seconds, and, against better judgement, groaned internally, pushed himself up, and followed after him.

After Nico saw that Leo was following him, he again flashed an almost-smirk at Leo, lips tugging up at the corner just the slightest bit before turning around, simply leading him into the forest. Leo begrudgingly kept following, even as the thin trees surrounded him started to block out any sign of escape, even as the thick roots of trees covered the mossy forest floor, which Leo almost tripped over multiple times, even as Leo felt more and more lost as it seemed like they were heading nowhere but away, but Nico seemed like he was walking a familiar path, steps confident and light.

Leo could only wish he felt the same.

Finally, after what felt like 30 minutes but was actually just 3, they arrived at...was that a cliff? A waterfall? All Leo knew was that there was a clear, pristine river flowing off of what appeared to be a cliff. The cliff wasn't extremely big, but big enough that Leo knew that if he were to jump off, he'd die. Dark thought, but at least it gave a scale for the size of it. The more he looked, the more it took his breath away. Wildflowers dotted the edges along the stream, in all shades of all colors. And almost every kind of flower...lilacs, primroses, tulips, roses, lavenders, even goddamn lilies. And the view. He could see the clear, nighttime sky, stars dotting the sky like they were just spilled onto a black canvas. Cotton clouds slowly rolled across the vast night sky, lit up by the moonbeams alone. And above it all, the moon hung high, reflecting off of the clear river easily. It was...well...

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Nico said, sitting down only a foot or two from the edge of the cliff, and right next to the water. Leo, unable to think of a quip, simply nodded slowly. It was all kind of hard to take in. Nico chuckled under his breath, filling the silence, and then patted on the soft, green blades of grass next to him.

Leo sat down next to Nico, close enough to the point where their legs almost touched. Leo hugged his legs and rested his head on his arms. "So." Leo started, trying to fill the silence. "Why exactly are we here?"

Nico just hummed a note in response, and after a brief hesitation, replied, "Thought you could use this. I came here a lot when my worst emotions got the best of me. It...well, it just helped me a lot.", his voice getting lower and lower until he was muttering at the end of his little rant.

"I can see why." Leo mused.

They sat in silence for a minute or two, staring into the distance. Finally, Nico grabbed something next to him, grass rustling. Leo lifted his head up from his arms, looking at Nico, confused. "What is it?" Leo asked. Nico didn't answer, but after a few seconds presented two halfway dead leaves with such flourish Leo would've laughed if he wasn't confused out of his mind.

"What?" Leo said, almost about to say more before Nico cut him off. "Take one. It's something I do here to get rid of stress." His expression seemed serious, and there was no hint of mockery in his pitch black eyes. So Leo just took one slowly, eyeing Nico with a confused expression.

Nico paused for a bit before continuing. "Focus on the leaf. And focus on everything you're mad about, right at this exact moment. Focus on your sorrow. Focus on the things you hate." Leo opened his mouth to protest but Nico pressed a finger to his lips, hissing out a quiet "shh."

A chill ran down Leo's spine as the wind swept around him, whispering sweet nothings, and he leaned away from Nico's finger, looking down at his leaf. It was veined with dark brown lines. Kind of wrinkled. Almost brown, but still keeping hints of green in the leaf. It wasn't anything special, just a leaf. Leo tried to follow Nico's words. 

He was mad about...well, a lot. He was mad at Nico for saying what he said before, mad at himself by being so hurt by it, mad at the world for making him so lonely and depressed, mad at his scars, mad at the gods, mad that he existed-

Ok, that was enough. Sorrow was pretty much the same. He felt so empty and hollow at the thought that nobody liked him. Nobody cared about what he felt. Nobody liked him. He stood out. The seventh wheel. He should've just ended it earlier.

And hate...Leo hated a lot of things. The world, his tormentors, but most of all, himself. Or, less himself, but the piece of useless shit he let himself become. He hated how many people he hurt, how much he needed to be coddled, how much of attention whore he was, how much he-

"Leo!" Nico hissed out sharply. Leo froze. He felt something wet trickling down his cheeks and realized after a second he was crying. Great. And now that he looked at Nico, he looked like his eyes weren't free of tears either. Nico's eyes were wide, dark irises looking panicked as he searched Leo's face. But the sight of Nico grounded Leo, and after a quick breath, he croaked out a hesitant "What?"

"Leo. You're crying. You looked like you were starting to spiral. Just...please don't do that." Nico said in a low voice, breaking eye contact and looking at the floor, looking almost embarrassed. Leo sighed, and replied, "I'll try. But...you're crying too, Neeks. Kind of hypocritical.", earning himself a glare from Nico as he looked back up.

"I can handle myself, Leo. I'm fine, just a little... _emotional._ " Nico muttered. Leo almost laughed at the grumpy expression on his face, eyebrows furrowed into what resembled two angry looking caterpillars. Of course, he didn't laugh, because he still held a shred of decency, but he almost did. After a beat, Leo responded. "Ah. Alright...anyways, what's the next step?"

"Take that leaf. And crumble it up. Rip it up. Destroy it." Nico said, voice low and dark. Leo's blood almost ran cold at how serious and dangerous Nico sounded. Immediately, he obeyed, ripping it in half. It felt...satisfying. Ripping up his problems, that leaf. He felt...alive. He kept ripping it, the crumbled it, then ripped it until it turned to shreds. A grin appeared on his face subconsciously.

Leo turned to look at Nico, and was kind of shocked to see that Nico was...smiling at him. Or, well, smirking. "Really getting into that, aren't you, Valdez?" he quipped, and Leo laughed, both at himself and at the fact that Nico was so... _smug_. "Hell, maybe I am, Death Boy." Leo replied back, sticking his tongue out at him. They both laughed for a bit, amused by their banter.

Something about talking to Nico just felt so natural.

Finally, Nico clenched his fist, the fist with his leaf in it. "Alright. Now chuck your leaf into the fucking river." And with that deadpan delivery, promptly threw the shreds of the leaf into the river and watched it fall over the edge. Leo watched, amused and also kind of surprised. But, he followed suit. Without much thought, he yeeted the shreds into the river, laughing. The sight of it plummeting into the abyss that was the cliff made him feel...happy. Genuinely happy. 

Or maybe being here, so close to the world, to nature, and sitting here with Nico, made him happy.

"Whatever thoughts you focused on the leaf don't matter. The only thing that matters right now is you. You matter. And you are more than your problems, Valdez." Nico finished, and Leo turned to look at him. Moonlight lit up streaks of his black hair in such a picturesque way that he almost thought he way dreaming, and Nico's deep, dark eyes seemed to hold the whole world in them.

Leo opened his mouth for a bit, struggling for words. Finally, he breathed out "Thank you...so much." Nico did his half-smile, staring deeply into the night sky like he was looking for something. Himself?

"Mm...It's nothing." Nico murmured. Leo paused, staring at him for a couple seconds before replying "That definitely wasn't nothing. Where'd you learn that?" Nico's expression flickered for a second, turning bittersweet before returning to dreamy. "Oh...my sister." Leo sensed there was a lot more to that, but he didn't want to disturb Nico so he said nothing.

Finally, after staring off into the distance for a while, Nico stirred, like he had just been waken from a dream. "We should probably start heading back now." Leo wanted to stay, but he knew Nico was right, so he just nodded and stood up, brushing himself off. But not before Leo's gaze flickered to the riverside, and to the flowers.

Nico noticed Leo staring at the flower. "You can take it, if you want. Just take the roots and plant it somewhere in your cabin. He said, with a quick nod towards the river.

Leo did a double-take. "What? I mean, I, uh, would like that..." he muttered, embarrassed. But Nico just chuckled under his breath, before adding "I'll take one too if that helps." Leo smirked, raising his eyebrows as a challenge to Nico. "You sure you just don't just want a flower, Neeks?" Nico rolled his eyes, smiling. "Shut it."

And so they both picked a flower. There was a pretty wide array; the dryads really did work on it. But they both found their flower after a minute. Nico picked a red and yellow flower that looked like fire, and Leo picked an almost black flower with hints of red peeking around the edges. Needless to say, both were satisfied.

They both looked at each other for a couple seconds, not knowing what to say. Or maybe they did know, but didn't want to say it. After a couple seconds, Nico broke the silence, clearing his throat and saying "So? You ready to go?"

Leo stared back at the vast sky, at the steep cliff, at the crystal clear river, at the flowers. He knew he had to come back here, one way or another. So he took a breath...

And smiled. "Just lead the way, Ghost King."

**Author's Note:**

> hey!! this is cross-posted on wattpad, thought i'd upload it over here because the world needs more vandangelo.


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